Tuesday, January 15, 2008

I'm Starting To Think Sleeping Is Overrated

I've always had anxiety dreams, for as long as I can remember dreaming. Long, epic, apocalyptic dreams. But since E has been pregnant, my anxiety dreams have quadrupled in frequency. As morbid and horrendous as my "last man on earth" dreams are, the baby anxiety dreams are worse.

I've become sort of accustomed to thrashing out of bed prepared to go hand-to-hand with the zombies beating down my door. But dreaming about neglecting a little baby? That shit is alarming.

The latest:

E and I adopted a baby. He was very cute, about 6 months old and chubby and adorable. But he had a butt chin, which was a problem for us in my dream. We sort of didn't take care of him. We held him and squished him and played around with him, but didn't really take care of him. Not necessarily because of the butt chin, but just because our lives were all messed up and we weren't good parents.

And our baby died. It was so horrible and traumatic that E and I broke up as a result.

After we broke up, this 50 year old, overweight, wealthy, semi-famous woman asked me to marry her and I said yes. And when we were out together I thought: this is fucking weird. But then I remember thinking that it might work out okay because she wouldn't mind if I wasn't, uh...faithful.

Dream over. I'm a horrible person.

In E's latest anxiety dream she repeatedly dropped our new baby out the car window as we were driving. We kept having to turn around and go look for her, and every time E would find her on the side of the road in a puddle or ditch, and she'd pick up our poor baby on the brink of death and nurse her and she'd get better. Only to get back in the car and drop her out the window again.

Dream over. E is a horrible person.

We wake up feeling like we'll be unfit parents. Giant, hideous, hairy monster parents.

I've consulted with two friends so far on the meaning of last night's heinous dream. They assure me that I won't neglect our little baby, butt-chin or no.

But I sort of feel like my sub-conscious is reviewing a 2,000 page report on me and my demons.
And so far...so bad.


Anonymous said...

My partner and I are only beginning our TTC journey, haven't even inseminated yet. And she is already having dreams! Most recently, the baby was flat like a piece of paper and she kept losing it. So you're in good company. We may all be insane (and insomniacs!), but at least there are a lot of us ....

Becky said...

I've always had dreams like this. Full of anxiety. They get weirder when I'm pregnant. Like, suddenly I give birth to a litter of puppies, or am strapped on a roller coaster when I realize, Shit, I can't go on this! I'm pregnant.

Hope they get better soon, GS.

Amy said...

totally crazy how our minds f*ck with us when we're most vulnerable. my prenancy dreams were insane and intense. i always woke up so worried that something terrible would happen as a result of our poor parenting. i almost always dropped or left the baby somewhere. i guess it's all normal but very very scary!

owl said...

my latest dream was that I had a c-section but still had to go to work so I had to leave the child in child care for two days until i found time to pick it up-but i didn't know what it looked like when i went to get it.
as the dream progressed i was extremely stressed that i had missed out on two days worth of newborn photos and had forgotten to pump so breast feeding wasn't going to work.

pregnant dreams and dreams when pregnant are crazy mind f*&kers...and they tend to hang around and influence the rest of your day!
but i think you both will be great parents...as much as you can tell that sort of things from words on a page!

Meg said...

Oh! Oh! I have these baby-killer dreams too. Actually I have had them since I was a teenager, but then they were about my pet (sometimes a fictional one). They were very gory dreams, where I accidentally kill my beloved by trying to do something nice. Like the one where I was showing Jasper a view and dropped him accidentally off the cliff and saw his head split open. Fun.

Pixie said...

HAHA!!! I just want to say that those dreams are totally normal!!!!

Teehee!!!! And they do not stop.

Oh. My kid? He's 5. and my love!

amanda said...

Oh, you poor thing! You guys are NOT horrible people. In fact, i think your dreams are an indication of what attentive, concerned, and loving parents you are both going to be. It seems to me like its coming from fear that you won't be able to live up to that, but i have a pretty good feeling you will.
Sorry these dreams are so intense though--its got to be tough waking up from thoughts like that.

bleu said...

Oh they suck. I am so impressed you are having fucked up preggo dreams right along with E. I do not know one woman who has not had the neglect dreams while pregnant. I used to dream I lost the baby all the time, or left it somewhere. They are also soooooo much more vivid when pregnant which sucks.
Has she at least started the orgasm in her sleep dreams as well??? They sort of balance it out unless you are unlucky enough to have them about old Chinese men like I did. LMAO
Good luck, and remember, sleep IS overrated and will only get more so in the near future so it is just part of the prep stuff.