Monday, February 4, 2008

Fear Lives In My House And Drinks All The Strawberry Milk

E has her 23 week check-up with the OB tomorrow. More than halfway through her pregnancy, her anxiety has only marginally improved. To give you an idea of her mindset, know that she lay, facedown, on the floor of the Jeep dealership bathroom last weekend in order to feel the baby move.

She prepares for the baby in fits and starts. One day she'll demand a trip to Target for baby clothes hangers, the next day I find her teary-eyed on the couch amongst empty glasses of strawberry milk, claiming "The Baby Is Dead."

As an aside, can you imagine my blood pressure levels in these moments? Arriving home from work at 11:30 to find my pregnant wife tear-streaked and moaning? I try to remain calm while gently interrogating her:

Why, baby, why do you think she's dead?

I haven't felt her in hours!

When was the last time you got up and moved?

(Sheepish) 4 hours ago.

Okay, well, let's go walk outside in the fresh air and maybe she'll wake up.

And, of course, we're not halfway out the door when E's face lights up as she exclaims, There she is!

But the time that elapses between the tiny rolls and kicks she feels is enough to spiral E into fierce anxiety and depression. The cyst on Lentil's brain may as well be a cyst on E's brain, worming into her conscience and silently destroying her experience of this pregnancy.

It's cyclical, of course. Her paranoia peaks the few days prior to her OB appointment. Hopefully her fears will be put to bed tomorrow, if not until June, then at least until the next appointment.

In more uplifting news, I've recently discovered the indescribable joy of learning the search terms that bring people to this website. A few of my favorites:

satan guitar fuckers,

boy in a dress,

hairy monster cyst,

and, my personal favorite, holy cunts.

No wonder I don't have more commenters.


Melody said...

Yum-- strawberry milk. Now I have a craving.

Hey, facedown on the floor of a Jeep dealership bathroom is sigificantly less crazy than facedown on the floor of a gas station or fast food restaurant bathroom. And assuming it wasn't a uni, you can be reasonably sure that no one has peed on the floor in the Jeep dealership. If it was a uni, all bets are off.

e sounds a lot like me under the influence of fertility meds. I'm glad I have a level-headed partner as well.

Becky said...

Awww. She sounds just like me. Seriously. I was like that my whole pregnancy with Alex.

Poor E.

Give her a hug from me.

Carey said...

Perhaps buying a doppler off of ebay is the way to go? I know it always helped to calm us down to listen to the heartbeat!! The best $100 we ever spent in this journey... (you can also rent them online)

bleu said...

OK first LMFAO at the searches.

E my sweet E, I so know how you feel, and have been there, and am currently there. Perhaps after tomorrows check you might want to check into a doppler rental or some such thing to help you. It sucks so badly to lose the joy of pregnancy because of fear. I know those ups and downs so badly.

Another trick is drink some OJ and that usually gets them moving a bit.

I wish you so much peace and improved kicking so much you are jolted from it constantly.

Anonymous said...

Poor E and poor you! I was plagued by anxiety during my pregnancy too - from the very beginning to the very, very end. Once they put him on my chest, I relaxed and have been fine ever since. This will pass, but it's not any fun :(

I also think a doppler would really help. We never got one for me, but now that my wife is pregnant we got one and it is the best thing ever. It turns what might have been several hours of waiting for the baby to move into a few minutes of looking for the heartbeat and then feeling much better. Good luck!

vee said...

You should be glad those scary people don't comment!!

E - sorry you're feeling such overwhelming anxiety.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear. I felt this way through the entire 40 weeks. It gets a little better around week 28 (I think because that is the point at which a baby can live outside the mom), but I think the look of shock when I was handed my baby was a true feeling of shock that I was actually bringing a baby home. Because I kinda didn't believe it before then.

e said...

you are all so sweet...especially you GS...anyway, i never thought i'd be this old stress bag, but i bet there's lots of things i'll do that i never thought i would now that this crazy journey has begun!

Amanda said...

WTF!? (on the search terms, that is)

i'm so sorry she's having a rough time finding stability throughout all of this. i really hope that the appointment clears some things up.

Rebecca said...

OMG...that sounds like something I would do! Hysterical!

birdy.j said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
birdy.j said...

ha ha ha ha
that was a great post. thank you. The words rang true in some unforeseen manner- or should I say, possible future manner. My girl would be like that pregnant- FO SHO!
Good luck with calming E down- I'm sure you two will be serene in no time!

bleu said...


Lynn Cameron said...

So are you guys alright? I'm feeling a bit worried about you. Good wishes from the left coast.

SusieR said...

Delurking to hope everything is ok...

Anonymous said...

just sending my best wishes hope to hear from you soon

Becky said...

Um...where did you go? Now I'm worrying!