I forced poor E, traumatized from so many negative pregnancy tests, to pee on a stick this morning. It's early, I know. But I demanded she provide me with some concrete information about what the hell is going on in there.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, WOMAN, WILL I OR WILL I NOT BE DEALING DIRECTLY WITH LOOSE STOOLS SEVERAL TIMES DAILY NINE MONTHS FROM NOW?
But the damned thing didn't work. No second line and no pricking control line.
I'm certain she sabotaged it by not peeing for 5 seconds. Perhaps unintentionally, but one would think - due to her vast experience - she would have the skills to properly complete the necessary steps of a home pregnancy test.
I prefer not to think she misunderstood the simple instructions, and instead "accidentally" held the stick under the faucet, fearful of seeing another lonely line.
I say this because last night I read the "FAQ" section on the test instructions. One question asks:
What do I do if the test remains blank after 3 minutes?
Answer: read the instructions again, fool, and try again with a new stick, but this time put your tiny feeble brain to use and do it right.
And I thought to myself: what kind of imbecile screws up a home pregnancy test? And I laughed, cruelly.
So I'm going with sabotage.