Monday, September 17, 2007

The Interminable Wait To Learn Whether Or Not Your Entire Life Is About To Change In Ways You Could Never Begin To Imagine

We are 4 days past 3 day transfer (4dp3dt) today. E's symptoms include intermittent low grade nausea, lots of cramping, and boob "twinges." All potentially attributable to the progesterone, of course.

More serious side effects are the chronic google-ing and the violent boob-squeezing.

The googling is non-stop. She googles first thing upon waking. She won't fix me my ever-loving dinner because she's googling. She sits down to "read Harry Potter" and googles. She googles during the curb-stomping scene in American History X. She googles whilst brushing her teeth.

I swear, if I'm not walking into the kitchen to find her squeezing the christ out of her boobs, I'm wandering around at 2 AM, looking for my wife, only to find her on the toilet squinting at our damned laptop.

Today E decided it was time to visit the esteemed and trustworthy magic 8 ball website to determine if she was pregnant. When she typed in "am i pregnant" it responded with "My Sources Say No." Feeling angry and skeptical, she typed in "does GS love me," to which it responded "No Way!" After this rather cruel exchange, E decided the magic 8 ball was full of shit and navigated away to google.

This two week wait (tww) bullshit is risickulous. What really gets me is the constant wondering when you'll have your partner's body back. It could be 2 weeks! It could be 2 years! My readers familiar with IVF will know of what I speak:

...the wretched suppositories.

E claims she'd prefer the daily progesterone ass-injections. That's right, she'd prefer that a 2 inch needle inject PIO (progesterone IN OIL - all kinds of nasty viscous) in her ass every day. That was the protocol for IVF attempt #1, and she had angry purple welts covering her ass for a month after her negative beta.

That's how repulsive it must feel to insert vaginal progesterone suppositories thrice daily.

In other news, our clinic refuses to call us and let us know if any of our embryos made it to freezing. It is day 7 for the stragglers. They are already either in the dumpster or in the frozen cell aisle, since the embryologist made the decisions on days 5 and 6. I get little twinges in my heart about the ones in the garbage. I can just imagine them, the little hoodlums, acting like criminals and then getting the heave ho to the garbage, calling out on their way down:

Hippie Embryo: (bitterly) That's harsh, dude!

Ghetto Embryo: You don't know me! You don't even know me!

Loser Embryo: (whinily) Don't judge me. I don't judge you. Quit with your judgments.

Poor little cells.


e said...

i have to say that this is the funniest shit i've ever read, and not just because we're married. my goodness you are funny! alright, i'm off to google some phantom symptoms that i'm not really having...oh the torture...

daisychain said...

It's just not right that you can make me laugh and cry at work. Not right. I am 2dp3dt now. That's terrible that they aren't letting you know if you have embies that made it to the ice-age. Sucks!

On another note, I get a nice big PIO in the glute every morning and a lovely suppository at night. I should just hang a closed sign around my neck.
Fingers crossed!!!
Love, Daisy

starrhillgirl said...

Oh, god, this is funny. I love the embryos speaking at then end.

CD & SP said...

i can vouch for the ghetto embryos talking like that. crazy city for the vaginal progesterone, looks like we're golden, since S. is old pro at putting in her "hoo-ha bullets," having done it for many, many months now.
good luck with the oogles and googles over the next couple of weeks !

Anonymous said...

It never fails to amaze me how many configurations of a few words one can come up with when googling.

What about "crinone cream sucks arse?"

Meg said...

Oh, that was Meg, by the way, not anonymous.

owl said...

We have 11 embryos on ice (good quality ones at that!) -thanks to you I am imagining them as well behaved professionals who don't take risks who do research everything and spend lots of time indoors with no sense of humour- I am starting to think I would prefer the misfit embryos you are describing!!!

Melody said...

I'm glad to have someone to compare results with on the Magic 8 Ball site. I got an Outlook Not Good for getting pregnant within the next year. Thinking of you guys!

Drowned Girl said...

Googling on the loo!

bleu said...

It is so reassuring to know someone may google almost as much as me. It is also reassuring to know someone else does the magic 8 ball and gets peeved. I had a friends pseudo psychic mom tell me she didn't see me carrying another child months ago and I still can't get over that.
I am so with E right now, not feeling positive about this cycle at all.
Sending much love.