Thursday, November 15, 2007

And Thus It Begins

E and I have been cocooned in what has felt like a bubble full of good energy since we learned our second IVF cycle, finally, miraculously, worked. E is pregnant, and we're both invested and excited and electric with terror. It's wonderful.

11 weeks and 3 days in, the bubble has burst.


For all the invasiveness of our IVF cycle, E's pregnancy has felt so natural. So natural, in fact, that E and I pretty much forgot that we didn't just have sex and get E pregnant. Figs is from my egg and donor sperm. It has felt so natural, that we forgot that there are people in the world who were going to Act Shitty about that fact. Two recent Shitty Comments made my head reel.

First up, Giant Ignoramus at a baby shower asked E who the father was. I told E that in response she should have made a confused face and said: "GS, of course."

Seriously, I know I shouldn't be shocked that people are going to ask the question in this way, but I can't help it. Unmindfulness makes my skin crawl - it's pretty much the ONE THING we owe each other as human beings. And while I'm at it, I'll add that I feel the same way when I meet someone who acts awkward when they find out I'm gay, presumably because they don't know any/many gay people. Not only does this endlessly irritate me (who doesn't know any gay people? leprechauns? cave-dwellers?), but I instantly have a low opinion of this person, and they have to work to make it up to me.

Second, and much worse, was E's 85 year old Grandmother's reaction upon learning that her granddaughter, the absolute apple of her eye, is not pregnant via her own egg.

"Why didn't she just adopt?"


This is the same Grandmother who refused to attend our wedding 4 years ago, but who has since embraced me lovingly, referred to me as E's "partner," and, on occasion, has been known to boast of our wedding to others. She was once happy about this pregnancy. No longer.

This hurts for two reasons: 1) It is my opinion that it is beyond primordial to be less enthusiastic about a child who does not bear your genetic resemblance than one who does. This is one of the ways in which humans are more highly evolved than other species in the animal kingdom. 2) It is inconceivable that she would have uttered those words if I were a man, and E needed an egg donor to conceive.

Pray tell, what in the fuck is the difference between a woman and an infertile man when trying to get a woman pregnant?

Moreover, if I were her husband instead of her wife and we had the same failures to get E pregnant, we would have tried with an egg donor. What is the fucking difference here?

E wanted a baby yesterday when we started trying, and, by the looks of things, getting pregnant via her own eggs would take some time. So we used mine. Why? Well, I'm younger, my FSH is better, and hmmm...oh right! WE ARE MARRIED.

More than anything, I can't understand why people focus on the things that don't matter. E wanted with all her heart to be pregant. She had to wait for years, but now she's pregnant with our baby, and she is overjoyed, and that fucking rocks. Why isn't that the focus?

And I'll just end by saying that almost everyone has been loving and thrilled for us, genuinely. Our family, our friends, all of you people out there who, amazingly enough, read this and sometimes share your thoughts with me (you people, by the way, are the best thing going). I feel so vastly fortunate for all of that.

But the small, moronic comments can cut deep. Deep enough to pop a happy little bubble, that's for sure.


Carey said...

I get all pissy with the 'who's the dad questions' too. I mean, who the f*ck cares??? It's plainly obvious there is NO DAD in our relationship... duh. I just answer, 'there is no dad, just an anonymous sperm donor from a sperm bank' and that usually shuts them up. Until someone asks 'did you use the same father for your babies too?' AGAIN, no freakin' fathers!! We are lesbians... we are married to each other!! LOL Some people just don't get it... hang in there, I am sure the questions will only get better!!!!! :)

amy said...

the questions will continue. and unfortunately when the baby is here, you will probably get "oh, the baby looks just like you", or something similar. i think those kinds of comments can be hurtful too even if the person saying it intended for it to be a compliment. it inevitably leaves the non-bio parent out which can be a lonely feeling.

we often get which one of you is her mother. it's an easy answer of course, we both are, which rarely results in any further conversation.

hang in there with it all, i guess it's part of our plight in life to have to educate the ignorant...

starrhillgirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
starrhillgirl said...

Ok, so I lamely and accidentally hit publish before I'd finished even pulling together my thoughts. Hence the stupid-looking non-comment above.

Anyway. What shit, y'all. Now I can't remember what I was going to say. Except for I'm sorry for people's ignorance and lack of mindfulness every time I encounter it.

vee said...

Under no circumstances are you two allowed to let these people do anything more than temporarily dent your bubble. They are not to pop it. Understand? You are pregnant! With your baby! Beautifully yours.

It's just arse that people come out with this crap. And worse that you have to deal with it.

beeyou said...

as the non-bio sahm mom of 4 year old twins, i second carey.. the questions get weirder and ruder, and that in scottsdale az where people are relatively educated.. aargh!!! BIG CONGRATS

RainbowFences said...

When my partner told me she wanted to have a baby..."holy shit" was my reply (I used my inside voice on that one so not to hurt her feelings). Anyway we started telling people about this amazing new medical development -scientists are able to make SPERM out of a woman’s bone marrow. I showed everyone the article that explained how it was done. We have never mentioned to anyone that we were trying, but yet they have over the past year asked me many times about that article. We are now 9weeks pregnant with TWINS and still have not told anyone.... but when we do, we are telling them that it is (chest puffed) MY SPERM!! your blog, I now live in AZ but as a fellow NY'a your type of honesty is very missed.

Melody said...

Some people are always going to be assholes. We are blazing new ground here, though, and the world is going to be better for the children that lesbian moms bring into it. For one thing, they will grow up and not ask stupid questions that hurt and alienate others.

Anonymous said...

Yes, that is crap. Sorry. Unfortunately, you have signed up for the educator for life plan. There will be many questions and comments that you will both get over-and-over. We are a very out couple and still last Oct. at our daughters pumpkin thing, one of the other kid's moms said to me, "Oh I thought (daughter's name)'s mom was coming today." And I said, "I am (daughter's name)'s mom." She said, "I'm sorry. I meant her real mom." REAL MOM! Fucker! I'm sorry, I meant, STUPID fucker!

Just remember that you can tell people what ever you want when ever you want. You aren't obligated to educate the entire planet. Especially when questions/comments hurt. Some people are good hearted and uneducated, and some people are fuckers. I spend time educating the ones worth saving...the others...that's right, can bite me.

BTW, I love a woman who starts a sentence with, “Pray tell, what in the fuck…”, I’m just sayin’.


the injector said...

i just read your post out loud to kk and we laughed and grimaced simultaneously.

people, even the people we keep on loving--like sweet grandparents and parents and siblings--in spite of their dicky, mean comments, are often fucks--not nice, too concerned with self, too trapped in their own ideas of normalcy, etc.

But your humor and candidness cut through that bullshit and the noble, soon-to-be-damn-good-gay- parent taught a valuable lesson to the good, the bad and the ugly. thanks for sharing...

EggDropBlogger said...

Well, that's sucks, but maybe Grandma will come around in time. People seem to melt once the baby gets here. I hope that situation changes.

Please don't let that rain on your parade!

sn said...

if people ask about fathers, they automatically get shut up--there is no father, we're the moms. our line about the donor (which we started practicing before we ever started the ttc process) is that we've thought a lot about who the donor would be, and we're happy with our decision, and now we're focusing on our role as the moms of this kid. we haven't been confronted with the how question yet, but have our snarky comeback all ready to go when that comes along...

charlotte said...

I know. It sucks, even with all the love and grace you get from others. We got some very ugly comments about S's brother (the donor for LM) being his 'dad' from S's family. And I was thinking Jesus.H. you people even do have a genetic connection, through S, why do you feel the need to go there.I have even had some dumb questions from good friends. The questions get worse as the pregnancy progresses, you just need to find a way to deal with them, but you shouldn't have to. I've always wanted to have the balls to give snarky answers, but good ones never occur to me until later. Balls.

The Town Criers said...

I was laughing at this line: "who doesn't know any gay people? leprechauns?" and then sobered up when I got to Grandma's comment. I think some people can't see the forest through the trees. E finally pregnant, about to bring a new member into the family, about to give birth to her great-grandchild is the real focus. Hopefully she'll see that reality soon. Maybe she's a little slow on the uptake?

Anonymous said...

Strangely, I've had more wierd comments from other lesbians than family members or straight people!

The most recent was from one half of a couple who, as of January (last time i saw them) were actually going to try to get it was the last person I thought would have something wierd to say.

First she says "How?" Our other friends all started laughing and said "Kim's a superstar, thats how!" and high-fiving Kim (my partner)
Her next comment? "I mean...Do you know the father?"

I kind of stared at her for a minute before I got over the shock and said "uhh no father here. DONOR. And yes. Obviously I know who it is"
The next question? "Did you have to have sex with him?"

Oh my god are you serious?

Brooke (from Babycenter)