Friday, November 9, 2007

No Hero

I am a kid. I am fickle and changeable and lazy and impatient and so so imperfect. And I am scared shitless about being a parent.

But I am doing pretty good, considering.

Am panicking only slightly. Am keeping it together, for the most part. Swallowing the fear. There are only so many ways to say holy fuck, before the phrase loses its meaning and you feel the need to get original or stop freaking the fuck out.

And I have nothing original to add to the cacophony of tired, cracked old voices telling me this is a bad idea for me. This kid didn't ask you to be born. It didn't ask you to be its parent. This is a responsibility you are so not cut out for.

So I'm taking deep breaths. I'm remembering why the place I'm going is going to be amazing.

I want to be a parent because I want to love E in new and yet-undiscovered ways. I want to experience a vastness of heart that I didn't have before. I want to learn and be humbled. I want to see where I go with this Great Human Experience.

But most of all I want to to be pulled into myself with all the force of love or anger or adrenaline.

E is happier than I've seen her in more than a year. She's so ready, and that makes me feel strong and ready too. She's right there, and she's amazing. She makes me feel like I can do anything, and that' awesome.

Why do/did you want to be a parent?


Lurkalot said...

Love your hat!!! My guess is this: you've got a warm furnace for a heart and a head full of bluster to shield it. Parenthood: fasten your seat belt.

daisychain said...

When I met WW my whole world changed. I know that’s cliché but it is real. Traveling in a dessert of all-the-wrong-women, she was the long awaited drink I needed to live. She was IT! The unattainable, out of my league, to good to be true, you don’t know yet it but I am made for you, woman of my dreams…not to mention hot. Like cool-chick fire fighter hot. I know you know what I mean. Okay, so after about 5 years, we worked out all this crap we had going on. It was mostly hangover stuff from old relationships of all types (parents, friends, girlfriends, etc.) plus some of our own personal crap. But through it all we knew that the crap was all outside of us, the couple. Our relationship, what we felt for each other, the people we were to each other, and where we were headed together, was rock solid and hands-down the best. Apart we were just people struggling, but together, we were a Phoenix from the flames story. That was the point in our relationship where we started talking about having kids.

I always wanted kids. I grew up with 7 brothers and sisters, my mom Mormon, and my dad Catholic. I don’t think it ever occurred to me not to have kids. I don’t think I knew how to be without throngs of people. WW is the real mystery. After the divorce when she was 6, she was raised by her mom. She came out early, had her first girlfriend at 14 (who was 18), and moved out at 16. Living in LA she had no friends with kids and she has a small family (not big on procreation), so she never had any significant interaction with kids. Mostly her experience was, kids on TV…so realistic. She had never taken care of a baby nor changed a diaper when we had our first daughter. Why did she want to have kids? I still don’t know…it probably looked fun on TV (grin).

As a couple we just had such a great life and family going on that we wanted more of that. We wanted to share this common but extraordinary experience together. The amazing thing is we had no idea how extraordinary it really is. Having, raising, loving, and being loved by a child (for us) is the most indescribably joy we have ever known. You haven’t known unconditional love until you have seen yourself through your child’s eyes. You will be their hero just the way you are…and there is nothing more frightening or wondrous as that.

Your child will be fickle, and changeable, and lazy and impatient (can’t say imperfect) too…and it will all be alright. Look how much you have in common already. You will be ways and do things you would have never believed possible. You already have (wink). BIG love, Daisy

Melody said...

I want every experience life has to offer, and to me children are a part of that. That's how I explained it to Vanessa two years ago when we were getting ready to begin trying. When she and I met 4 years ago, it finally seemed possible.

vee said...

Um... What you said.
Also, I'm a bit of a science nerd and I am fascinated by the idea of seeing and experiencing my body do this amazing thing. Does that make me a bit weird?

owl said...

what you said! and i can't remember a time when i didn't want children. When i have thought of the future i have thought of children.
I grew up surrounded by children, i work with children. i am a big child!

lurkingone said...

i've always loved kids however, being a lesbian and a LOT of a loner, i didn't think it was on the cards for me. then i met my dp. almost immediately we talked about kids...and once we were together and living together it seemed like a natural progression to start a family. initially she was going to carry both kids but then we decided a baby "me" was something we really wanted. since i'm older (37 when our son was conceived) i got 6 tries to get pregnant. by some miracle (and good fertile genes) we bfp'd on our second try. our son is now 3 months old and he is the cutest baby EVER. i love the way he gazes at me when he's nursing, the babbling noises he's started making and his amazingly wide grins and smiles.

i had a pretty uneventful pregnancy, no morning sickness just mild nausea. i have to say being pregnant and living through all the changes is incredible...i will never forget our son kicking and squirming around in my belly, or giving birth - i had a mirror so i could watch him be born. now i can't wait for dp to go through the whole experience.

you will love parenthood once your baby is born. trust me. :)

bleu said...

I wanted to raise a child knowing what unconditional love is beyond a shadow of a doubt. I grew up without it. I wanted to feel a baby grow inside me badly and I wanted to share love and laughter and make a family.

Eliza said...

Everything you said plus this: it makes you grow the fuck up and be a better human being even when you're NOT in public and think about stuff you'd never even realized was important/controversial/existent before you were a parent. Suddenly you go from someone who only worries about being a good ENOUGH citizen/partner/ethicist and knowing what you need to know to do your job, make your partner happy, and have fun, to someone who is trying to embody the best of all of those things for a brand new person who is basically a cute squishy little tabula rasa who automatically worships the ground you and your partner walk on. They start out by testing your health, endurance, and emotional stability to get them into the world and through infancy, then they make you come up with a "because" to every "why" in existence, and before you know it you're having to consult Google and examine your position on EVERYTHING so that you can explain it to them. And just when you're ready to wring their sweet little necks and turn them over to your partner, you'll look over at the one you love and see them doing the same thing and loving the little person that the two of you created, and wow, you're a FAMILY. It rocks. Except when it makes you want to gouge your eyes out. But when you flee the chaos to go to work or out with friends or traveling on business, you miss it as soon as you're out the door. It's the hardest and most awesome thing that you as a person and both of you as a couple will ever do.

Anonymous said...


meg said...

I can't even answer that question, GS. I always wanted one. It was such a weird and hokily deep thing that I can't even articulate it. But at that point, I was just ready to try something really different and challenging too. That was the reason why it felt like the right time, I guess.

(You will be FINE by the way. The real thing is never as scary as you imagine. With everything. You always deal when it comes to it. You have to, right?)

amy said...

Great question! I don't think it was ever a question for us about whether, just when. It never dawned on me that I wouldn't have kids. Really for us we needed to figure out the right time. We wanted to be in a position financially for at least 1 of us to stay home. So, we've been together almost 9 years and our daughter will be 2 at the end of the month. As fate had it, we both got to stay home. We're both consultants and are unbelievably fortunate enough to watch her grow and change every day. Anyway, it's not always easy but it's the most incredible journey/experience that I've ever known and i'm positive will be for you guys as well.