Thursday, November 1, 2007

Traveling Women

I have absolutely zero desire to birth a child.

Pregnancy, I can understand. I can even reach down deep and find a shred of desire to grow life from just my own blood and thrumming being. I've even had the pregnancy dreams, although those are pretty weird for me. I never wake up all wistful and wondering. No, I always kind of thrash awake feeling vaguely violated.

But it's really the birth part that I don't get. To me (I speak only for myself and from my own thoughts and experience), it seems nightmarish. The inspiration behind Alien and Dawn of the Dead.

You grow. And grow. And continue to grow, until you are literally stretched to bursting. And that thing in there that's stretching the shit out of you must, sweet BBJ, get pushed out of the one place that should, it seems to me, remain free of such brutality.

And come out it must. Your bellybutton doesn't stretch wide to accommodate it. You don't have to take the biggest shit of your life. No. You must push that sonofa out, no matter the earthquakes of your bones, no matter the stretch, tear, or shred of your flesh.

And I don't wanna.

But that's just me. I bow down to the women who have done it and who will do it. (E! You will be amazing).

And don't worry, I'm going to get all kinds of shit from my sister for this post, who not only pushed her baby out without so much as a Tylenol, but she did it right there on the couch.

After 32 hours of labor.

My mom did it too. Pushed me out in her own bedroom, surrounded by a dozen high hippies chanting and swaying and tie-dying. My dad broke her waters with his fingernail.

How cool are these women? They are Great Arctic Warriors. They have traveled to the yawning abyss and back. They've gone where I will never go.

My lack of posting is due to some weariness that has draped itself over my cerebral cortex.

The weariness lifted briefly last night, when E showed me a 3-D ultrasound picture of our embryo, who stands (floats?) on the brink of fetus-hood. The lentil lives, and in fact wriggles its body and waves its beanpole legs.

It has legs. It is the size of my thumbnail.

I am overtaken with the arresting strangeness of this. E is pregnant. It is looking like there may be a baby in my near future. And right now, that baby is shimmying inside E with the force of its hammering heart.

My mother and sister, those Wise and Terrible forces of nature, have already sent extremely tiny shirts to my house.

And some of them are tie-dyed.


bleu said...

One of my greatest sorrows is that I didn't get to pass Bliss through my vaginal canal and instead,after 4 days labor and zero dilation, was forced to go to the hospital and ended up with a c-section. Your birth is my dream birth, surrounded by strong women goddesses, or totally alone, in my home.

Carey said...

I have zero desire to birth a baby... it scares the crap out of me and really, I tried so hard to get pregnant that I really didn't think the whole birthing thing through. If it had worked out for Steph to carry my embryos, that would have been the perfect scenario. Instead, I've got 2 little ones that will have to somehow exit my body... and well, I am not sure how to deal with that reality!! Any woman who can give birth (with or without drugs) is my hero!! I'm just gonna close my eyes and hold on tight... and beg for drugs of course.

starrhillgirl said...

I am soooo glad you have tiny shirts!
And that you can write so beautifully one moment about y'all's baby's heart after just having, hilariously, talked about the brutal stretching of one's hooha.
You, my friend, are priceless. Priceless.

Melody said...

I echo the fear of pushing that 6 to 8 lb bowling ball out of my own goldstar vajayjay. It has to be worth all of the months of feeling someone growing inside you, though.

the injector said...

ahhh... that was fun to read. And, i echo your desire to never push a critter out your hole. i raise a cup of tea (it is the afternoon, after all)to other girls doing it for us!
congrats on the lentil.

amy said...

i agree with you whole heartedly and opted for a c-section as a result. MANY people thought i was nuts but i had no interest in pushing a watermelon out of my lemon. cutting me in half seemed to make so much more sense. and in all honesty, i'd make the same decision again. my daughter was 8 lbs 12 oz 10 days early, i just can't imagine!

amanda said...

i must admit i'm a little spooked about it too, but i just hope i can be as much of a warrior woman as those in your family. Tiedye and all!

Drowned Girl said...

Last sentence made me spit my tea over the keyboard. You bad woman!

Drowned Girl said...

PS I loved DS's birth!

k said...

I can't beleive all this ninny shit! Ha Ha just kidding (not really). You don't wanna so don't. But if your gonna, then do it! C-secs are not good for babies Womyn! Labor is love, and its good for a baby. leave the C for emergency

Dis said...

I'm the same boat for half of it. I've never been wistful at the thought of carrying a child. As for the smushing one outta my bajingo, well I have a really high pain tolerence so whatev. So much so actually that I actually feel like I should be the carrying party for just that reason. Plus Burtle's pain tolerance is like negative bizillion. Ergo it's gonna be my job to birth them thar babies.
Oh and as for the stretching there's always vaginoplasty ;-)

bri said...

I never wanted to birth one either. I used to hope for a c-sec. Then I said if i have too have a c-sec, at least i would like not to have to labor first - yuck recovery from both. then, while pregnant i started to worry and feel that vag birth is so much better for the baby and began to hope for that. sort of. then my blood suddenly skyrocketed at 39 weeks and i had a c-sec with no labor. excellent. such a reluef. no regrets or feeling of missing anything. ahhhhh.

bri said...

that should say blood pressure. typing 1 handed with sleeping baby on me.