Fig-Sized Lentil Lives On

Unbefuckinglievable.


That there is a living beating little human inside E is kind of rocking my world right now.

It is unspeakably small - 4 cm from crown to bum - and yet it has long spindly legs which it stretches against the wall of E's uterus (damn you, woman, empty your bladder! I have no room in here already!), and long praying mantis arms that alternate between waving wildly (I will commit an aggravated assault if you come any closer with that god-forsaken wand! I have a cord with which to wring your fat neck!) and shielding its tiny head (don't look at me! I don't have my face on!).

E had her first OB appointment this morning. She was pale faced and grim when I met her in the waiting area of Big Fat Hospital. She was certain it was dead. I tried to reassure her by saying she was looking more pregnant by the day, and all was well. I received the stink-eye in return.

E: Stop telling me I'm fat.

GS: Exhibit 79: you are emotionally abusive.

Our u/s tech took us from the waiting room to the examining room which has been carefully preserved from the World War II era. She laughed frequently and at a decibel inappropriate for the AM hours. At first it grated at my fragile morning nerves. But it grew on me by the end.

Laughy: Pull up your dress, please. This will be a little cold! *LAUGHTER*

E: I'm nervous things aren't going well in there. Please just tell me right away if things are bad, alright?

Laughy: Oh, OK! *LAUGHTER*

E: (turns to GS, eyes very wide) Um, ok.

Laughy: Are you ready to see your little one? *LAUGHTER*

E: (with a deathly frown) Mm hm.

Laughy: Oh, why so nervous? Don't be nervous! Cheer up! *LAUGHTER*

She pushed the wand against E's belly and swivelled the screen towards us. There, laying alongside the bottom of E's ute, was a motionless little fetus.

E: (pushing herself upright) WHERE IS THE HEARTBEAT?

Laughy: *LAUGHTER*

And she pointed at the little chest area where a barely visible light flickered. It was so much less visible this time, I suppose because there's more body around it now.

E: WHY ISN'T IT MOVING?

Laughy: *LAUGHTER* That's normal! He's just comfy down there!

She wriggled the wand and poked down on E's belly.

Laughy: Hello in there! Wake up, little guy! *SO MUCH LAUGHTER*

And the little thing stretched its legs and flailed its arms before settling right back into its warm and snuggly uterus bed. The relief that washed over E was palpable.

Our u/s tech continued to poke and molest E's belly area to get the little fetus to roll over, turn, move around, or do anything besides lie there like a lazy ass. She was trying to get the nuchal fold measurement, and the fig-sized one was uncooperative.

Which, btw, I understand completely at such an ungodly hour of the AM.