Hi everyone. This is E, the chosen guest poster for today. GS is busy working (yawn) and she’s asked me to submit a post for consideration. She stressed repeatedly that it may or not be approved, so the version you are reading now may or may not be my words at all. But I digress…
We’re 10w6d into this pregnancy and things have seemed pretty textbook – both in terms of symptoms and feelings. The symptoms part isn’t really that interesting – nausea, tiredness, heartburn, etc. But the feelings, well, I think GS has beautifully outlined the giant mind-fuck that is infertility. We can never be purely happy about this…Even after the last ultrasound of lentil at 9w2d where I saw it moving around, and heard it’s heartbeat on stereo. The thrill of that visit and the certainty of the success of this pregnancy faded with each day that passed and I woke up yesterday certain that lentil was dead and that our first visit with the OB – scheduled for this Tuesday – would be a festival of sadness leaving GS and I broken once again. Yup.
I want to be clear that we have a great life – and I mean that without irony – it’s great by any measure; we have been wildly happy together for nearly 7 years, illegally married for 4.5 years, we each have crazy, fun, bizarre families, we bought a beautiful apartment that we can almost afford and decorated it in ways that reflect “who we are.” We are privileged to harbor the most magnificent beast on the planet earth, and after trying to get pregnant for what felt like eons, we’re finally here. And I’m deeply grateful – I know GS is too. But wouldn’t it be nice to be able to enjoy it? Wouldn’t that be novel?
So, I’ll spend the next two and a half days stuffing my anxiety behind my swelling heart and hoping it doesn’t burst through my ribs in the middle of a meeting about financial goals or maximizing the efficiency of our operation and GS will report back to her faithful readers with our news on Tuesday. Until then, thanks for reading and stay tuned for your regularly scheduled programming.
7 comments:
It does get a little easier once the early milestones are passed, I promise!
Good luck for Tuesday
xx
Hi sweety,
I had a m/c before Bliss. In fact it was the first try back (the good ol days before IF) and I spent the first half the pregnancy absolutely miserable with fear. It, the m/c, had sucked all the joy out of my pregnancy and I was so bummed.
And then after about 17 weeks I felt him, and everything changed, and everything became magical again.
SO I wish you both peace and gentleness and a very swift next few weeks until you can find the magic again, it will come.
excellent job guest poster...you were eloquent and not snarky - and funny...which is kinda like you anyway.
nice belly you got going on...I send multiple blessings to your growing bean...it's all good.
xoxo
Your first parental challenge: trusting the lentil to stay home. Sending good thoughts for tomorrow.
xxxxoooo
oops, didn't mean for that to be Anonymous. Lovefrom, Lentil's Nana
Nice guest post! I'll be thinking of y'all tomorrow, at your sure-to-be-fabulous appointment.
Hello, E. It's good to hear from you-- that's a lovely belly you have growing there. :)
The hardest lesson of infertility is that all bets are off-- that thing you thought you could shut your mind off for and let your body handle? It doesn't go off the way it should. And then everything else you ever took for granted was so gets called into question, too. It sucks. I hope today's appointment eases some of that anxiety for you. Good luck!
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